Life as a Blog…

I just read one of my diary…
and I just realized…one of my ex had wrote something for me…
Reading it…I felt un-ease…it is hard to believe that the person who had wrote that…is the same one who has broken my heart in pieces…
He wrote in my diary…exactly 6 months and 10 days after we went dating…
Mix of feelings…there was sadness, amusement, and I thought it was somewhat funny…

But then..at the last page, I wrote these:

Bandung, 20 November 2000

So much to tell…so much have been kept from you…I always hope that you can understand me…I thought you understand me…but with just one word, you brake me to pieces…

I wonder if you ever realized what you have done to me…toying with my heart.
Until I realized that I have to let you go…or at least…I can’t depend on you anymore
There’s no hope in it..you will only give me false hope..how can I be such a fool in front of you…

My feelings for you were genuine…and why did you say all those promises and then took them back…as if I meant nothing to you…
There’s no need to go on…it’s pointless…
I’m not looking for a puppy love..I need something more…much more…

But I think we’ve been leading a separate live afterall…what do you think I felt when you said that you don’t feel the same as I do???
You said that you don’t feel secure and comfortable with me.. .but yet you told me that you loved me…what’s that all about????
While I’m thinking that those feelings are what love is all about…
How can I believe you…how can I believe you that you have loved me???

What had made you stayed with me all this time?? Isn’t it love?..or something else…
Where did I go wrong that made you feel unsafe, uncomfortable and insecure with me??
It breaks my heart to hear those things from you….

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Reading it…makes me think…I must have been very hurt a lot…
I must have hate him a lot…..
If not…why did I write those things???

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