Life as a Blog…

Yesterday, a friend of mine reminded me of what has happened to me exactly five years ago..
It was the time when I embarked to seize a new life…supposedly it was the process of running away from something really…really painful
The aim was to leave my past life behind and start with a fresh start…which in the past life….a part of me has died…

Come to realize it, today I remember the people who had helped me going through those painful days, weeks, months..even years…
I guess, even I want to shake all the bad feelings, still it hurts sometimes..
The hurtful thing I clearly remember about that year - how Ayah had to wake up in the middle of the night due to my crying…and he held me all night long…never let me go even for once…I remember it was in the fasting month…and he kept on saying that something better will come along..and that I don’t deserve all the hurting and the pain…

And seeing my father now…how I wish he could comfort me again…like he used to do…
I also realized just  now, how much he cares about me…and I hope that even in his condition now, he won’t forget about me…how I owe him so much…I even don’t know how to repay him…

He never told me to forgive and forget about that night…perhaps because he knows me too much to ask that of me…
One thing he asked me to do that night was just to go and pursue my dream…whatever it is..
After that night he never mentioned about anything related to the person who has made me suffered that much..

I wonder, he might have endured a lot of pain to see me so devastated…
He would have never told me about that ofcourse, but I guess he really had worried so much about me - in which after that, he trusts me in every decision I had made in the past five years…

And now, I wish that even in his condition, he could still think of me, see me make mistakes, silly things, wrong decisions…and still care about me…

These things came to me after being reminded of the day I left Bandung…how I promised not to look back…and even after that day…it was painful everytime I returned to Bandung….

I also remembered someone who understands me, even until know, the pain I went through.
We shared stories, and he’s the one he had helped me with all the preparation to go to the Netherlands back then. I was surprised that he still remembers me…and how I still remember his concerns and how he cares about me…
He was and still is a good friend and confidant to me….I hope he could lead a better life than I do…

I wish a lot these days…but most of all for people around me…wish for the best of them…and that God will love them more each day…

Five years ago, I left and now I have returned with almost the same feelings as the surrounding has given me before…
I pray to God everyday that I could shake away all of these feelings and replace it with forgiveness and acceptance…
I still hope that day might come some day….

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 26th, 2006 at 10:11 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.