Life as a Blog…

Yesterday, a friend of mine reminded me of what has happened to me exactly five years ago..
It was the time when I embarked to seize a new life…supposedly it was the process of running away from something really…really painful
The aim was to leave my past life behind and start with a fresh start…which in the past life….a part of me has died…

Come to realize it, today I remember the people who had helped me going through those painful days, weeks, months..even years…
I guess, even I want to shake all the bad feelings, still it hurts sometimes..
The hurtful thing I clearly remember about that year - how Ayah had to wake up in the middle of the night due to my crying…and he held me all night long…never let me go even for once…I remember it was in the fasting month…and he kept on saying that something better will come along..and that I don’t deserve all the hurting and the pain…

And seeing my father now…how I wish he could comfort me again…like he used to do…
I also realized just  now, how much he cares about me…and I hope that even in his condition now, he won’t forget about me…how I owe him so much…I even don’t know how to repay him…

He never told me to forgive and forget about that night…perhaps because he knows me too much to ask that of me…
One thing he asked me to do that night was just to go and pursue my dream…whatever it is..
After that night he never mentioned about anything related to the person who has made me suffered that much..

I wonder, he might have endured a lot of pain to see me so devastated…
He would have never told me about that ofcourse, but I guess he really had worried so much about me - in which after that, he trusts me in every decision I had made in the past five years…

And now, I wish that even in his condition, he could still think of me, see me make mistakes, silly things, wrong decisions…and still care about me…

These things came to me after being reminded of the day I left Bandung…how I promised not to look back…and even after that day…it was painful everytime I returned to Bandung….

I also remembered someone who understands me, even until know, the pain I went through.
We shared stories, and he’s the one he had helped me with all the preparation to go to the Netherlands back then. I was surprised that he still remembers me…and how I still remember his concerns and how he cares about me…
He was and still is a good friend and confidant to me….I hope he could lead a better life than I do…

I wish a lot these days…but most of all for people around me…wish for the best of them…and that God will love them more each day…

Five years ago, I left and now I have returned with almost the same feelings as the surrounding has given me before…
I pray to God everyday that I could shake away all of these feelings and replace it with forgiveness and acceptance…
I still hope that day might come some day….

Today…strange…why the topic which I ever…ever…want to hear or discuss had to come up…
it definitely had made the day gone weirder, and also very strange…even somewhat annoying…

Those were the downside of today’s event…but the fun part was that I had a chance to get out of the house and hung out with my friends…just to catch up…
And also I managed to call up a friend of mine, and we talked…a lot actually…it was quite fun…and realizing that people do change…and I believe that’s a good thing…

From today’s experience, I learn that when the topic ever comes up again in the future…please…please…don’t give any kind of opinion…’coz it won’t matter anyhow…it will eventually happen and I have to let it go…no good in pursuing things that cannot be avoided……
I have to try to remember that…
And the other thing is that opportunities will present in the strangest way possible and might as well be un-expected…

By keeping this in mind, as Boim has suggested through his comment in one of my logs [thanks for the suggestion btw - red]…maybe I will try and found out about the opening at ITB. I believe it won’t hurt to try…:))

It’s 2 A.M. now, and I’m still awake, pondering…
I guess my old friend insomnia has visited me again…hmm..since early this week I think…
A lot on my mind…ideas, thought, which I couldn’t put them down…

Like last night…around 12, I laid awake in my bed….just stared at the ceiling…with a rush of thoughts running through my head…which had made me got up from bed, practically running down…and turn on the computer and sent emails…

Usually I get a visit from my old friend whenever I’m stressed out, have a lot to think of…but am I right now??

Maybe, with all the things that have been going on…I’m wondering maybe there are things that I could do to make all go smoothly…

Now, I just want to write things…meaningful perhaps…nonsense maybe…at least I want to clear my chest for a while…

Ayah has been back for 2 weeks now…he seems happy with the familiar surrounding…no more fever, controllable blood pressure, and it seems he also made a lot progress with the physiotherapy that he’s been having….I am happy…hopefully things will go better after this…

Considering that, I am thinking about my personal state of well-being…for not being employed and doing almost nothing. I’ve tried to make myself busy with non-important things…but still I feel some things are missing in my life…it’s like working is the essence of my existence…crazy I know…
Fortunately, my former employer still wants me back…they are even willing to wait for me to make my decision…
but still, I have doubts…don’t know why…and also due to the un-reliable-human-being who hasn’t gave any date upon taking up the responsibilities….crap!!!!

But looking at Ayah’s condition, I am certainly going back to work…for the sake of my well-being…just don’t know when…

It’s almost 2.30 A.M now…with no TV in my room (temporarily ofcourse)…and it leaves only me and my laptop (Agoes’ to be exact)…I hate internet connection in Indonesia…it’s soooooo lameeeee….I couldn’t download almost anything crappy from the internet…I miss The Netherlands…hicks…hicks…

Talking about The Netherlands…My life in Enschede was perhaps the closest thing for being normal…I had a house which I could roam around…lived peacefully in a 3-rooms-apartment, owning my own space…what a wonderful life….now???? Well, I’m back at my parents, with a crappy internet connection, jobless, and trying so hard to find private moments….[sigh...]

Enough said…hopefully tomorrow will be a better day…and I’ll have all the chances in the world to make my life worth while………