Life as a Blog…

I had been sick for 4 days now…actually it had started almost 3 weeks ago, when I felt throbbing headache almost every day…don’t know why…Until finally I couldn’t take it anymore…my head felt like it would explode…so I decided to go and see the doctor…

At first I didn’t want to go to a GP, but I would rather go straight to see a specialist…more specifically a Neurologist…well..as my medical history will show you that in the past years, I have a slight problems with my ‘head’..which includes my occasional vertigo, and loose-of-balance problems; my lost of hearing problems…and the recent things I experienced was not just I got a headache, but at the same I time, my vision became blurry…and that scares the hell out of me..:(

So on Thursday morning, since I couldn’t bare the pain anymore, I went to a doctor in Bandung, as Ibu has recommended me to do, so I went to Bandung with Agoes..and all the way to Bandung..I guess I was passed-out a little bit..hehehe…I didn’t even notice it…:(

Anyway…when we arrived in Bandung, Agoes dropped me off at my house and I went to the hospital with Ibu. We went to see the doctor and her diagnosis was that I had too little of O2 in my brain and that I she also guessed that I often experiencing muscle cramps, which is true by the way. So she said that the caused of my headache is neuro-tension?? which could partly caused by physical & psychological reasons, in the sense she thinks I was under a lot of stress…was I?? couldn’t even remember…

Anyway, she just mentioned to take the medicine that she has prescribed and that to get some rests and go back to see her if in a week I still experiencing the symptoms. One of the medicine is the calcium tablets and the other one I think is somekind of neuron relaxer…which has made me feel fatigue all the time…

Anyway…when I got back to Jakarta, usually after I went to the doctor, I felt much better, but this wasn’t the case. So the next day, still feeling worst, I stayed home and moaning the whole day about my head…so the next day we decided to go to the doctor again and perhaps this doctor will prescribe me another medicine (which I hope it would be stronger to overcome the pain..unfortunately this wasn’t the story). We went to a hospital in Jakarta, and the doctor just gave me an expensive medicine and told me that he would like to observe the situation for the next week. Should these symptoms still occur, they might want to test me for EEG, CT Scan, etc…which I think..the same old story…:((

But well, we’ll just have to wait and see…I just hope that there is a strong medicine for me to kill this pain of mine…coz sometimes it hurts so bad that I feel a bit nausea & faint at the same time…my brain couldn’t work…will I be dumb afterwards?? (stupid question…)

Phew,…finally….steal some holiday time in Bandung to write something in this old..old..blog of mine….

It’s been a while since I wrote something.

Well, the things I’ve done and been through since my last blog:

• I’ve went back to work (the same o’place…),
• meeting interesting people,
• went to new places (Bangkok) and found out interesting things about my company, the people that I work with and experienced ‘weird’ things,
• moved to the new apartment which we bought in Jakarta,
• spent times with my twin sis,
• lost one of the people I love the most in the world (my dad passed away exactly one month ago…may his soul rest in peace),
• my mentor and a colleague of mine at the office moved on to seize other opportunities,
• got aged one more year, and
• got very busy with work that I sometimes didn’t have time to check my personal email and friendster (honestly…!!!!)

Check it out…it’s a lot huh?? well, that’s life…and tonight, I am actually writing this while working on my laptop…and this is supposed to be a long weekend…:((

But a girl has to do what a girl has to do to stay living, right? And what’s living means to me??? making money to buy food and clothes…:))

Even if it means that I have to work long and hard everyday, 12 hours instead of 8 or 10, and sometimes ‘lost in translation’ with my clients…I have to survive…and I will survive…

But come to think of it, nowadays, I’m thinking that by working, I could repress some of my feeling, especially for not thinking a lot of the passing of my father…since he passed away, I guess, I haven’t cried very much after that, except I remember on my birthday, before I went to sleep, I was alone in the apartment, and suddenly I cried…I felt it was a very long and sad type-of-cry…I couldn’t breath afterwards, so it must have been…

But well, life goes on…and I do things like that on birthdays,…reflecting of the past year; what I’ve done, achieved and acomplished…and the one that impacted me the most, well I guess is that event…losing my father has actually sadden me a lot…but I hope that he’s in a better place right now and he will be given by God the highest and the best place next to HIM in the end. Amien…….

Good Night Wolrd…and Have a Sweet Dream….!!!!

This may be the last blog for a long time..
I’m moving again to make a living…
Back to a ‘normal’ live…which is not normal…

So in this blog..I want to share about my craziness over something called Eeyore…
I have a lot of stuff related to Eeyore…one of the character from Winnie the Pooh.
I started collecting Eeyore’s stuff from…hmm…I can’t really remember when..
I have so many of Eeyore’s dolls…and I think my closest friends (from TB, Unpad and in the Netherlands) know my addiction for Eeyore…

I had received so many presents of Eeyore’s stuff.
Agenda, pen, sticker, notebook, the biggest Eeyore doll, Eeyore’s baby toy, etc.
When I went to Eurodisney, I even bought an Eeyore hat and fought with little french girl to take a picture with a-person-in-Eeyore-suit…and I have picture to prove it too…:)

And just the other day, I showed the hat and the big doll to Zaki…
He loved it…and he was amazed to see the doll is as big as he is…hehehe…
so I took some picture of him and the doll wearing the hat…

See how cute my hat and my doll are???!!!???…oh yeah..and my nephew also cute :)) The hat even has ears on it…:))
So, can you imagine I’m wearing the hat…and I took a picture with Agoes in that hat …:))
I have the picture to prove it too..:))

Today is my naughty-nephew Zaki’s 4th birthday.
This year, he is having his birthday in Singapore. I wonder what he is doing now???
Jumping up and down and running around like he used to??

For his age, I Think Zaki is a very talkative and active kid.
his only drawback is that he’s difficulty in eating.
He’s 4, but he weighs like a 2 years old…he’s so skinny…but he has a very round face…hehehe…

He’s 4, but since he was born in Australia, he speaks 2 languages..both English and Indonesia..
He only knows Australian flag…once he was in Indonesia and he saw Indonesian flag, he said it’s an Australian flag…not just a flag…but Australian flag…hehehe…

- Here he was only about 4 months old…but look at his face…** -

I think he’s very stubborn…sometimes it is difficult to deal with him.
Even so…if he’s not around..we miss him a lot..since he often does funny things…
Especially his comments…sometime we wonder where he had heard those things that he had said…

He likes to watch Cartoon Networks and Nickelodeon…I remember one time he got scolded by his father because he was up till 1am in the morning because he was watching Cartoon Networks…hehehe…

                                            - Since he was little, Zaki’s already love cars -

He’s now moving to Bandung. He will go to school in Bandung and start as a kindergarten student at Advanced Pribadi school in Dago.
I wonder how will he adapt to the other students…:))

Over 2 years ago, I accompanied Agoes to Leuven, Belgium - where Agoes attended an international seminar, while I was intended to have a great time…:)

Actually, I went there, because my good fiend, Cali  was studying there with his wife…so I called him up and we arranged to meet up somewhere in the town in Leuven.

We actually met up…and he and his wive, Atiet, showed me around Leuven..which was beautiful.
They took me to see their school in Arenberg

Arenberg is actually an old castle, but they use it as part of campus at Leuven University.
It is situated just outskirt the city.
We went there by bus, which as students, they could ride it for free.
As tourist, I had to pay 1euro, which was cheap…..

Besides met up with my friend and did sightseeing in Leuven, I also went to the capital city, Brusell, and Brugge.

For me, Brugge is an interesting city. It is located in a northen part of Belgium, near the Netherlands. The people living there, they speak ‘Good Dutch’…hehehe.
What I meant with ‘Good Dutch’ is that for Belgians who speak Dutch, I think they have a clearer pronunciation then Nederlanders…so you can easily understand them and speak to them with your good-enough Dutch…:)
Furthermore, in Brugge, the city is not too big and crowded like Brusell. And the atmosphere was somewhat serene. It looks like an old town, that’s why I took some black and white picture of the city…and it came out beautiful…

They look old, don’t they??…and there’s carriages also…:))
it is said that Brugge is a city of art. Its Civil buildings and churches give a survey of nine centuries of architecture: Romanesque, Gothic, Renaissance, Baroque, Rococo, Neo-Classicism, and Modern.
I wonder, how the city looks like in Winter - my favourite time of the year…:)

Different from Brugge, Leuven also has it charms as a city of education.
Maybe it is more similar to Bandung, but different in the environment. In Leuven, there’s no smog and the traffic is not as bad as Bandung nowadays.

I went for a walk around the city for sightseeing. I did it on my own, as I was given a map for city tour. It can be done by walking, so why not???
While I was sightseeing, I wondered if Agoes had done the same as I did right then, he would probably lost since he has a bad sense of direction…hehehehe…:)
I remember having a fight in one our trips just because I insisted that we didn’t need a compass to find our ways around…but Agoes would not survive and doesn’t have the confidence traveling without his compass…*sigh*…

Anyway, back to Leuven…there are so many statues right in the middle of the street…and I find it very unique…and the most impressive thing is the Central Universiteit Bibliotheek.
It is a beautiful old building with a square in front of it. Fortunately, I had a chance to visit it and saw the inside of the building. It was fascinating!!!!!! I love the smell of old books and the interior of the library.

    This is a statue called "Baloon van de Vriendschap"
    This statue is located just across the street outside the Central Universiteit
    Bibliotheek. So many tourists took picture in front of it.

                                                                                                                           
                              And this is the Central Universiteit Bibliotheek.                                                  It is located exactly in the heart of the city.

     This one is a statue called ‘Kotmadam’.
     It is statue of a woman sitting on bench and it is surrounded by cafes in the
     city centre.
     People could sit next to her….

Like so many others before me had said…
"Yana…it’s time to let go"

At first…I didn’t want to let go…but like many other times before…I always said to myself…
"You have to let go…You don’t have any choice…"
Even so, in the end…I never did…

I hope this realization…within this few hours…I have to really…really…let go…
Today, a friend of mine asked me "Why can’t you do it?? what seems to be the reason?"
And you know what…I could not answer that…since I could not put it into words…
My head says I should…but my heart still won’t let go….

I went out in my car today…
as I passed the street of Bandung…and see all the people’s faces along the sidewalks..
and then as I got home, I opened my computer and browsed through old pictures of me…of us…and how far we have traveled…
Then I realized…all this time…this past 6 years…I’ve been lucky…I should be thankful instead of mesmerizing the love that I’ve lost…

In every picture…I always smiles…never shows my true feelings…even I remembered the time we took the picture..my mind was somewhere else…
Maybe this is who I am…this what has made people think that I am OK with everything….while somewhere deep inside of me piled up with sadness…

But still I have to be thankful…
I am still alive … didn’t die of heartbreak…
I became stronger…didn’t give up
and most importantly … I am lucky…’coz I met someone who has willing to accept me with all my flaws and sadness…
And because of him, I could be Me right now…
He had given me the chance to travel and lived the life that I couldn’t possibly dream…
And because of his independence…I am proud to be partnered with him

I realized…if my dream had came true…
I wouldn’t be like I am today…
I would be weak…and would never have my stand…
I would only be a shadow of a man…
I would not be able to have the chance to taste life outside the cage…

And I hope all of these are enough as my defense…
of trying to reason with my letting go of the past…

And for my future…I guess the saying is true:

"Since I found you, my world seems so brand new
You’ve shown me the love I never knew
Your presence is what my whole life through

Since I found you, my life begin so new
Now who needs a dream when there is you
For all of my dreams came true
Because of you…"

Again, I don’t know how to make my self happy…or even in the mood to get through one day without even thinking about it…

It’s frustrating…considering the circumstances…however, I don’t know how to act on it..let alone how to feel about it…

It’s difficult for me to express my feelings now…tried today to confide it with my friend…but still the words I want to say didn’t come out…

I know…I can’t do anything now…it’s all too late…everything will happen..when it happens…and I just have to accept it…easy said than done.!!!!!

I want to scream…but I can’t…there’s so many barriers around me…I feel suffocated…I want to run away…but I can’t…it will all catch up with me….

If only I don’ t live here….:(

I just read one of my diary…
and I just realized…one of my ex had wrote something for me…
Reading it…I felt un-ease…it is hard to believe that the person who had wrote that…is the same one who has broken my heart in pieces…
He wrote in my diary…exactly 6 months and 10 days after we went dating…
Mix of feelings…there was sadness, amusement, and I thought it was somewhat funny…

But then..at the last page, I wrote these:

Bandung, 20 November 2000

So much to tell…so much have been kept from you…I always hope that you can understand me…I thought you understand me…but with just one word, you brake me to pieces…

I wonder if you ever realized what you have done to me…toying with my heart.
Until I realized that I have to let you go…or at least…I can’t depend on you anymore
There’s no hope in it..you will only give me false hope..how can I be such a fool in front of you…

My feelings for you were genuine…and why did you say all those promises and then took them back…as if I meant nothing to you…
There’s no need to go on…it’s pointless…
I’m not looking for a puppy love..I need something more…much more…

But I think we’ve been leading a separate live afterall…what do you think I felt when you said that you don’t feel the same as I do???
You said that you don’t feel secure and comfortable with me.. .but yet you told me that you loved me…what’s that all about????
While I’m thinking that those feelings are what love is all about…
How can I believe you…how can I believe you that you have loved me???

What had made you stayed with me all this time?? Isn’t it love?..or something else…
Where did I go wrong that made you feel unsafe, uncomfortable and insecure with me??
It breaks my heart to hear those things from you….

————————————————————————————————————–
Reading it…makes me think…I must have been very hurt a lot…
I must have hate him a lot…..
If not…why did I write those things???

I wish…that I could sleep better now each night..

I wish…I don’t have to hurt myself of thinking about how are things going to turn out in the end…

I wish…my family could live normal again like before…

I wish…I don’t have to suffer being reminded by people about the upcoming event…

I wish…I could live comfortably like back when we were in Enschede…

I wish…i don’t have to feel sad or even mad everytime I hear someone’s name…

I wish…I could put all the bad things behind me…

I wish… I could change the past…and not wondering what today would be like….

I wish…I could stop wishing for something that is too late to be changed…

Everything has already been decided…

My wish may not come true in this lifetime…but I still hold the last words close to my heart…that God will grant me my wish…maybe not today…not tomorrow…but perhaps after we’re all not in this world…

God has plans for everyone of us…and I just have to accept it for now..that it is not for me to hold…it is for others to hold…

It teaches me not to be greedy…to realize the great things that had happened to me…and also to appreciate what I have in my hand right now…

Even so…I could not help wondering each day…how’s my life would be like if my wish had came true….

If only….

Yesterday, a friend of mine reminded me of what has happened to me exactly five years ago..
It was the time when I embarked to seize a new life…supposedly it was the process of running away from something really…really painful
The aim was to leave my past life behind and start with a fresh start…which in the past life….a part of me has died…

Come to realize it, today I remember the people who had helped me going through those painful days, weeks, months..even years…
I guess, even I want to shake all the bad feelings, still it hurts sometimes..
The hurtful thing I clearly remember about that year - how Ayah had to wake up in the middle of the night due to my crying…and he held me all night long…never let me go even for once…I remember it was in the fasting month…and he kept on saying that something better will come along..and that I don’t deserve all the hurting and the pain…

And seeing my father now…how I wish he could comfort me again…like he used to do…
I also realized just  now, how much he cares about me…and I hope that even in his condition now, he won’t forget about me…how I owe him so much…I even don’t know how to repay him…

He never told me to forgive and forget about that night…perhaps because he knows me too much to ask that of me…
One thing he asked me to do that night was just to go and pursue my dream…whatever it is..
After that night he never mentioned about anything related to the person who has made me suffered that much..

I wonder, he might have endured a lot of pain to see me so devastated…
He would have never told me about that ofcourse, but I guess he really had worried so much about me - in which after that, he trusts me in every decision I had made in the past five years…

And now, I wish that even in his condition, he could still think of me, see me make mistakes, silly things, wrong decisions…and still care about me…

These things came to me after being reminded of the day I left Bandung…how I promised not to look back…and even after that day…it was painful everytime I returned to Bandung….

I also remembered someone who understands me, even until know, the pain I went through.
We shared stories, and he’s the one he had helped me with all the preparation to go to the Netherlands back then. I was surprised that he still remembers me…and how I still remember his concerns and how he cares about me…
He was and still is a good friend and confidant to me….I hope he could lead a better life than I do…

I wish a lot these days…but most of all for people around me…wish for the best of them…and that God will love them more each day…

Five years ago, I left and now I have returned with almost the same feelings as the surrounding has given me before…
I pray to God everyday that I could shake away all of these feelings and replace it with forgiveness and acceptance…
I still hope that day might come some day….